


2 Fried Chickens and a side of Mashed

by elvirakitties



Series: Christmas 2020 [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Christmas Crack, Christmas Fluff, F/M, Hermione Granger Bashing, M/M, Order of the Phoenix Bashing (Harry Potter), Ron Weasley Bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:15:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28203723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvirakitties/pseuds/elvirakitties
Summary: Harry wants a Yule and Christmas gift
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Harry Potter/Severus Snape/Voldemort, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy, Tom Riddle | Voldemort/Severus Snape
Series: Christmas 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034808
Comments: 17
Kudos: 296





	2 Fried Chickens and a side of Mashed

Harry stormed through Slytherin Castle causing many Death Eaters to run in fear. No one wanted to ask the good leader what was wrong. They figured if Harry Potter was angry, they didn't want to find out what kind of mood Voldemort or Severus Snape might be in. Bellatrix saw the angry form of Harry Potter and headed for the nearest exit. 

"Harry, calm down, it wasn't as if I invited her to touch me." No one had noticed Severus Snape behind the storming Savior of the Light. Harry growled and kept walking toward Voldemort's office. "Harry, you know how I feel about her." Harry snarled and whipped around so fast and had Severus up against a wall. 

"Mine." 

Severus would have rolled his eyes but he didn't up to get the pissed off Fae of the Unseelie Court into a fury. "Yours, now let me go or you will be sleeping on the couch." He got a growl but he was released. He kissed Harry. "We can make her pay later, I promise. Let's go and see if Marvolo and Lucius had a better day." Severus was hoping the pair did as Harry was about to rip Dumbledore and the rest of the Order apart with his bare hands after today's display. He needed a shower. 

"You stink of her." 

"I am aware." Severus wondered how the girl could breathe. Her perfume was atrocious. It must have been a gift from her former boyfriend, Ron Weasley. "Isn't she back with Weasley?" 

"Problems with Granger, again?" Lucius was heading toward Voldemort's office. "I could smell her perfume in the library. Was she attempting to earn her apprenticeship?" 

Harry growled. "Yes, and I had to get Harry out of Hogwarts as he almost set her on fire, again. How much longer must we deal with Dumbledore and his Order?" Severus was a bit surprised that they hadn't realized that neither of them supported Dumbledore and his Order. 

"It's not my fault that she has the survival skills of a gnat." Harry threw open the doors to Voldemort's office.

"What did Granger do now?" Voldemort looked up from the work on his desk. Harry almost forced Severus into a chair in front of Voldemort. Voldemort loved how protective the three of them got when anyone so much as looked at a member of their trio. Harry was the most protective and the one who did the most touching. Severus was the one who kept them sane. Voldemort was the one who showed them how to be themselves and not be fearful of their skills and gifts. 

"How do you know it was Granger?" Severus was going to burn his robes if he couldn't get the smell out.

"Her perfume. I can smell it from across the room and Harry only gets irate when it's Granger touching you. You get irate when it's the Weasley chick touching him, not that her perfume is any better." Voldemort lit some of the scented candles in the room. "Lucius and I do have some good news. I was going to save it for a Yule gift but I believe now is a better time." 

Lucius held out the book had retrieved from the library. "We found a way to remove Dumbledore and the Order from Hogwarts." 

Severus arched a brow at Voldemort who shrugged his shoulders. Harry was on the couch hissing to Nagini who was getting excited about whatever Harry was saying. Severus rolled his eyes. "Harry, no, you can't kill them."

"I wasn't planning on doing it." 

"You can't have Nagini kill them either." Severus pointed a finger at Voldemort. "Do not encourage her or him. Lucius, what is your idea before these two decide to gift me with Fried Order of Phoenix for Yule." Harry perked up at the idea of Fried Order of Phoenix. He arched a brow at Voldemort. Voldemort smirked. "No, no, no. I mean it. No." 

"You don't even know what my idea is." Harry pouted. 

"I will not let you kill them, well, at least not all of them. Granger and the two youngest Weasleys, their mother, and Dumbledore might make the permitted to kill list." Severus closed his eyes. "No, I can't believe I just said that." He opened his eyes. "Lucius, before I join them in losing my sanity, what is your idea?" 

"Hey, how do you know it was his?" 

"Please, you would join Harry on killing Dumbledore or rather have Harry join you on whatever scheme you devised before Lucius talked you out of it." 

"Narcissa did. I wasn't aware that Dumbledore attempted to talk the goblins into permitting him to control your vaults. The goblins didn't care for Dumbledore's rationale and wrote to Marvolo. Narcissa happened to be here with him when he got the letter." Lucius looked at Severus and Harry. "You are getting new robes for the ball." 

Voldemort shook his head. "Lucius, Lucius, haven't you learned by now not to tell them until it is too late to do anything about changing clothes for any major event." 

"Enough changing subjects." Severus held up his hand. "We will discuss clothes later. I would like to discover what Lucius' plan is." 

"It's simple. I read the original charter. I discovered buried under fifteen pages and countless amendments that there is a mandatory retirement clause. The maximum any headmaster can maintain the position is three decades. The maximum any former headmaster can reside in Hogwarts is an additional ten years beyond their retirement or four decades if they retire after three decades. No headmaster may exceed more than four decades residence at Hogwarts and it includes any time he served as Deputy Headmaster." 

"No blood, no cursing, no bribing, I like it." Severus looked at the book Lucius was holding. "How can we get it enforced?" 

"I was looking up some of the historical references for retirement age in our world and seeing how they could be used. I did discover we don't have to even present it. All we need to do is let a certain reporter discover the information for us." Lucius handed the paperwork to Severus. 

Harry was pouting. Voldemort was frowning. "No revenge?" Harry walked toward Severus after he cast a cleaning spell on Severus' clothes. 

"Revenge is included. Since he has held the position longer than the Charter permitted, he has to pay for his residing at Hogwarts, meals, room, medical, and any expense he wrote down as personal." Lucius pointed to the auditing books on Voldemort's desk. "Marvolo noticed there are a lot of personal expenses listed and he has been in residence since 1956." 

"How do we get rid of Granger and the two Weasleys? You know Minerva will be Headmaster-"

"No, she can't. She was Deputy Headmaster 1965." Lucius grinned as he looked at Severus. "Guess who is next for the headmaster position?" 

Harry and Voldemort looked at Severus and grinned. "You are assuming I would become the headmaster. Filius has more tenure than I do." 

"He is also half-goblin and wouldn't take the position because of his obligations to the goblin nation. We also have the added bonus of Harry being able to use his titles and shutting down the Order once and for all." Lucius handed them the list of seats in the Wizenagamot. "The last session is on the last day of November. We can do it by then." 

_______________________________________

Harry was singing the Twelve Days Of Christmas as he walked to the dungeons. He was aware that Severus, Voldemort, and Lucius were following him. Harry entered the dungeons when he was on the fifth day of Christmas. He didn't rush, he wanted them to know he was coming. He entered the cell that Granger was in. She was still dancing with the other ladies. "Nine ladies dancing." He waved his hand. Granger was transformed into a cow and the other eight ladies started to milk her. "Eight maids a milking." 

Severus and Voldemort stood in the doorway. "Harry, I don't think Angus cows are milk cows." 

"I know." Harry grinned and waltzed away. 

"Ten Lords a leaping?" Lucius' eyes followed Harry as he moved to the next cell. 

"Exactly." Harry giggled as he opened Weasley's cell. "Six geese a laying." Ginny Weasley was surrounded by geese and she was perched on a nest of eggs. Harry smirked as the girl started screaming at him to get her off of the eggs. Harry waved his hand. "Three French hens." The geese were hens and as well as her. She was residing on a perch with a very interested rooster. "Don't do anything you haven't done a million times with other boys." Harry tilted his head. "Oh, something is missing....yes, yes, I got it." Five gold rings appeared on Ginny's claws. "You always wanted a ring from me." Harry closed the cell door. "Don't you just love the holiday season?" 

"You are making it a unique experience." Severus laughed. He never expected Harry to have such a creative mind. 

Harry opened another cell door and Molly Weasley was on the ground with her hands covering her ears as twelve drummers were drumming and eleven pipers were piping and still didn't drown out her voice repeating Dumbledore said no!." Harry waved his hand and four calling birds were added. He closed the door. He headed to the door they had been waiting for him to go and visit. "I thought long and hard about this gift. I have something special for our former headmaster." 

"Oh, I can't wait." Lucius was almost giddy. They had caught Dumbledore, Granger, and the three Weasleys when they attempted to kidnap Harry from Hogwarts after they were forced to leave Hogwarts. 

"This is going to be the gift that keeps on giving. One that will also be an amazing gift for my relatives." Harry laughed at the confused looks at the three wizards in the open area of the dungeon. Voldemort had wanted to kill Harry's relatives while Severus was for slowing poisoning them when they discovered the truth about the muggles. 

"What do you have in mind?" Severus wondered what plot his mate was planning. He looked at Voldemort. Voldemort was just as puzzled as he was. "Harry?" 

Harry opened the door and Dumbledore was trying to avoid the two diving Turtle Doves and one Patridge in the same tree as he was perched in. Dumbledore had no choice but to stay in the tree as on the floor there were some angry snakes that would love for him to get out of the tree. "Dumbledore, it's time for your Yule gift."

"Harry, how could you turn so evil?"

"Is he serious?" Lucius wondered what was in Dumbledore's lemon drops. 

"No, Sirius is dead because of him." Harry twirled his wand. "Now, since you believe the muggles loved me so much, I have a special gift for you. You are now going to be their ward. They will believe you are my parents' second child, James Potter, Jr. It's been arranged." Severus started laughing as Voldemort and Lucius were wondering how Harry was going to accomplish this new goal. Harry held his wand as Dumbledore opened his mouth. As soon as Dumbledore's mouth was opened, a large lemon drop was shoved into his mouth followed by a pacifier. They watched as Dumbledore de-aged before their eyes. When he was about eighteen months old, Dumbledore stopped de-aging. "Perfect. I know my Aunt Petunia is going to just love you." 

Severus laughed harder. "I want to be there when you drop him off." 

"I was thinking of leaving him on the steps as he did to me. Dress up like a little present with a bow on top of the basket." Harry picked up the eighteen-month-old Dumbledore. "Of course, we can't have you accessing all of your powers and your memory has to be taken care of. We do want to make sure my dear aunt thinks you are a wizard but you will never be welcomed back into the magical world." 

"I know just the ritual. It will be my gift to him." Voldemort was excited. He had wanted to try this ritual before but had no one to test it on. Pettigrew was eaten by Nagini before it happened.

"My gift will be a life-time supply of lemon drops." Severus hated lemon drops. 

"I didn't get him a gift but I don't want you to think we don't care so I will lay down the foundation for blood wards," Lucius smirked at Dumbledore as the old man realized what was going to fully happen to him. Dumbledore was going to fully relive Harry's muggle life with no escaping to Hogwarts at eleven. "Shall we?" 

________________________Ten Years Later________________________________________________

"Harry, there is a muggle letter for you." Severus handed the letter to his husband. "It was delivered this afternoon."

Harry looked at the envelope. He didn't recognize the writing. He opened it and started reading. He started giggling and then laughing. "What is so funny?" Voldemort lowered the book he was reading. 

"It's a letter from my aunt." 

"Read it out loud." Severus sat down in his chair.

"Harry, come and get your freak of a brother. It was bad enough raising you and then getting this little turd dropped off here. We were waiting for a letter in September and nothing came. The freak has done some magic, we just know it. He hasn't done it in front of us but Vernon lost his job and has been out of work since the freak arrived here. I am sick of working for a living because Vernon can't a job beyond entry-level positions. He even had to work at the local pub during our summer holiday because the freak broke some windows and we had to pay for them because he was too young to work.

My sweet little Dudley is in prison because the little freak reported him to the police for beating him up. You need to get rid of this freak. I don't know why you have ignored all my other letters but you will not ignore this one since I addressed it to the school, not that hovel my sister resided in. Since it's December, I expect the freak to be out of here by Christmas. If not, we are placing the freak in an orphanage or whatever the county has for abandoned brats.

Get this brat out of my home, now!"

"Couldn't happen to better people. I think I will mail her a Christmas card." Harry put the letter down on the table.


End file.
